Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
lol
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Look at this
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.