When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
You Might Also Like
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
peeping toms
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.