Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”