“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.