Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
My apartment is a mess, I should move
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I feel like one of these would kill a European