AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?