Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you want my opinion ask my wife
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
People buying plungers never look happy.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses