Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
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Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
#CoronaOutbreak
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.