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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE