That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”