I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
You Might Also Like
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
How wrong was this guy?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose