*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My patience has stretch marks.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
What about second breakfast?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
when someone compliments me
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day