Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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tinder is all about the long game
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
#catsoftwitter
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one