Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.