They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.