I believe the plural is “milves.”
You Might Also Like
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”