Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”