I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP