Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps