[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom