I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
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Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo