[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
You Might Also Like
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”