A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me