I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
beware of dog
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.