Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops