A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
When they try to steal your moment.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”