Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
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I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.