I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”