What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
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It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it