There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
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[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Breaking news:
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids: