Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
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We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Perfection.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.