My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon