Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice