HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.