attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
You Might Also Like
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions