“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
$4 #usedbooks
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
They did not think through this water fountain
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Ugh but profoundly
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.