Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
You Might Also Like
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂