Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
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There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice