My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
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My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
selfie game
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
#milo
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*frowns in Scottish*
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.