I was just discussing this with my cat
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quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter