[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
You Might Also Like
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never