Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
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someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Go hard or stay average
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?