My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Pat is about to own someone
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.