me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.