ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Mornin
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.