Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.