when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I saw nothing
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell