If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
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Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.