So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The Onion called it…again.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
*performs CPR on the turkey*
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro