Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
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I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business